Take a Little Piece of My Heart

Today I went out for coffee with a handsome and charming young man.  He even paid (I redeemed a “free frappe and fellowship” coupon he gave me for Mother’s Day). He’s so grown up. He leaves for college in less than a month. We were talking about what he’s taking with him and how he feels about going, and I started crying.  I’ve been doing that the last few days when I think about how close it’s getting. Because, he leaves in less than a month, but just yesterday he was 7 or 8 and telling me that he’d never move out if I let him have a pug-but if I didn’t he’d move out when he was old enough so he could have his own house and get a pug. I reminded him of that deal recently and told him I’d get him a pug if he stayed.

He’s moving in with my mom because she lives close to the college he is going to and that’s comforting, and she’s excited.  My whole family lives in that town. He’ll have a whole network of love and support.  I’m thankful for that.  He will only be an hour and a half away, much less than the distance many kids I know have moved from home.  These are all logical thoughts my brain reminds my heart.

I can replay all of the advice and encouragement that the wise, seasoned mothers who have gone through this have shared with me.  It’s a good thing. It’s healthy. He’s ready and prepared; that means we’ve done a good job raising him.  I’m not losing him; our relationship will just be changing.  There will be joy and blessings in watching him branch out and succeed in the world and begin his life.

My brain understands. It all makes sense.  It’s my heart that is having trouble with it-specifically the part of my heart that will be moving with him; because every mom knows that her children are pieces of her heart walking around outside of her body.  It’s one of the strange dynamics in life.  We hold on to our children when they are young.  We shelter, guide, protect and keep them close. Then a day comes in which we have to open our hands and release them to the world.

I’ll deal with all of it in a healthy, mature way.  I’ll find joy in our new relationship and be thankful. For now though, I will be like Mary and ponder all of these things in my heart.me and chi


Extroverts and Introverts, Who’s Wrong?

I think one of the worst things someone can tell an introvert is to “loosen up.” It implies that there is something wrong with them, or that they should be more like that person.  Just because two people are different, doesn’t mean that one of them is wrong. There are all different personalities, and they all have their place.

In my experience, most introverted people are also serious, and task oriented.  I think God made them on the introverted side so that they are okay being alone to focus on a task. I know that I personally can be quiet sometimes because I am caught up in my mind trying to plan something or figure out how to make something happen.  No, there is nothing wrong with me, I am not mad or depressed, I am thinking.

I think of extroverts as the “show.”  They are the ones who are out fellowshipping with everyone, making new friends and coming up with fun, crazy ideas.  They are the ones who get energized from being with other people. They like to be out in front.  If an introvert is around a lot of people or out in front, they usually need some quiet alone time to recharge afterward from having to be “on.”  Depending on the situation, it can be exhausting.

Introverts are like the internal workings of a machine.  A cuckoo clock is pretty with a beautiful bird coming out singing melodious tweets to signal the hour, but how does that happen?  There are all kinds of gears moving in sync.  A clock without the insides would still be beautiful and enjoyable and have a purpose of its own, but working together with the internal mechanisms, it accomplishes much more.  Likewise, if you take the covering of the clock away and only leave the insides, it will still function and be an amazing example of ingenuity, but could be enjoyed more and enhanced by replacing the decorative clock face and tweeting birdie.

You know what I’m getting at. Most of the things I have been successful at are because I have partnered up with an extrovert.  It’s one of the reasons God brought my husband and I together.  We are both textbook examples of an extrovert and introvert.  He has no problem walking right up to people he doesn’t know and striking up a conversation. I generally find a quiet place to sit and observe, or I seek out my “safe” people and stay in that comfortable circle.  I appreciate that he is that way because it makes me feel like I can get away with sinking back and allowing him to “represent” our family.

Additionally, he comes up with great ideas-youth group events, family vacations, etc. and he tells me about them, and I begin meticulously planning. Together we are a good team and generally whatever we work on is successful.

This can spill over into all areas of our lives, what our hobbies are, what music we like, what movies we like, what vacations we like to take. My husband’s favorite vacation was when we went to Florida and stayed in a busy condo on a busy beach at the ocean. My favorite vacation was when we stayed in a cabin in Kentucky.  One of my husband’s favorite hobbies is playing basketball with a bunch of sweaty guys, and I love to dig into a good book or work in the garden.  And just because I don’t like Skillet because I can’t understand what the heck they are saying, or the loud chaotic music stresses me out rather than relaxes me, doesn’t mean I need to “loosen up” (you know who you are), it means I have different tastes.

And so, God knew what he was doing. Not just with my husband and I, but with the whole human race. I am generalizing here. I know there are introverts who can also socialize well, and come up with fun, crazy ideas on their own (I have myself from time to time), and I know there are extroverts who can focus on tasks and successfully execute their own crazy, fun ideas (my husband can focus on studying and planning a sermon).   However, usually, introverts are gifted in being “thoughtful” (in the sense of retreating to their own thoughts), and extroverts are more gifted in socialization and vocalizing their ideas.  Imagine if the world were full of only extroverts, or only introverts? We would either all be having fun and talking about the ideas we’d love to see come to light but don’t want to sit and plan every detail for, or we’d all be shut up alone in our houses reading, or writing, or planning things we need an extrovert to present to everyone else. Yeah, I think God knew what He was doing.


That’s Not My Son Lady

I had the craziest conversation for over 45 minutes last night with someone I had never met. The first text asked me when I was going to pick up my son. I didn’t recognize the number so I responded with, “I don’t know who you are and my son is home with me.” This person told me her name was “Jenna” and to quit messing around and that I was supposed to pick my son up two hours ago and he was driving her insane. My younger daughter and I were having fun with it and I responded that I if she wanted the boy picked up she should recheck the number and send the text to the right person.  She proceeded to insist that I was messing around and to come pick up my son.

This went on for a while. We went back and forth with her accusing me of being coy and me trying to convince her that I wasn’t “Olivia.” At one point, I even considered getting her address and picking up Olivia’s son just so she’d quit texting me.

I had actually wondered if it was one of my kids’ friends or a niece or nephew joking with me because it was so crazy that this lady just wasn’t getting it. Finally I gave up and decided not to answer any more texts (even though my younger daughter and I were cracking up and having fun with it).

I had planned on writing a blog this morning and relaying the whole conversation because it was quite comical and it reminded me of a conversation one of my sisters and I might have if one of us was acting silly and being difficult. Actually, it was far too much like that. And now. . .the rest of the story.

Most people don’t like to be fooled.  In some people it evokes feelings of weakness and foolishness. And as strange as it sounds, it can even make people feel subordinate or submissive to the offender. It especially stinks when that person is your thirteen year old daughter.  And after the lengthy text conversation, she finally admitted it had been her the whole time. I hadn’t recognized the number because it was from her ipod and I didn’t have that number programmed into my phone.

Last night I was mad. I can take it most of the time, but there was a certain feeling of, “Oh my goodness, she has arrived,” that I experienced last night. At some point she went from silly, made up jokes to full-fledged pranks. It was hard enough with just my husband and son, but now my daughter too? Oh boy.  After a semi-good night’s sleep, I’m torn between being miffed that she kept it going so long (Even after I asked her point blank if it was her and she said, “no.” We had a talk about lying still being lying if your mom asks you something flat out-even if it’s in the midst of a joke.) and being impressed with her creativity and ability to keep it together while asking what the person was texting.

I’d like to blame my husband. He likes to aggravate people just to see their reactions. You would think after about 20 years of being together I would have learned to let it roll off my back, but instead of trying to learn to do that, I have been hoping all of these years that he would just stop. “How’s that working out for you?” you ask? Not well.  Not only does he still do it, but I now have two teens who also think it’s a blast to poke and poke and poke and poke.

So I said that I’d like to blame my husband for it. However, while we may have different styles, I also like to joke.  While his is more blatant and in your face, mine is at times much more subtle. My favorite poison is sarcasm-you know the kind where people aren’t really sure if you’re being serious or not. My friends and family obviously know most of the time that I am being sarcastic, but it doesn’t always bode well with people who don’t know me, and it can be hard to turn the button off. It really runs in the family. It trickles down from my maternal grandpa-maybe further-I never met his father.

So my children have been “blessed” with both kinds of “humor.” I should begin praying for their future families now.

The crux of all this “playing around” is that it can be difficult to know when to quit. Mama helps them decide this. And it varies from day to day, depending on my mood. So really, I am teaching them to read people’s cues to know when they’ve had enough before it gets ugly.  Needless to say, it’s not often boring at our house, but it takes some tough skin to be here very long.


Putting Away Childish Things

We recently rearranged my daughters’ room. We sawed apart their bunkbeds and separated them to their own sides. Now they can put whatever they want on “their” wall and now they have the responsibility of keeping their own side clean.  The age gap is obvious. On one side is a small school desk with crayons and little scissors, and on the other side is a desk with perfume and makeup.

We took everything out of their room, and I told them we weren’t taking it all back in. They had accumulated too many things that they never used.  I was discussing with my older daughter where we would put her snowglobe collection when she told me that she didn’t really care about them anymore and they didn’t need to be put back in. I wasn’t completely surprised because she hadn’t asked for any snowglobes in at least a year.

I told her we could wrap them up in a tote and put them in storage.  I decided to take care of that while all the kids except my two-year-old were gone to town with my husband. I’m glad no one was here while I did it-because I cried. Maybe I have just been emotional lately for some reason-maybe Christmas and missing loved ones-I don’t know. But as I wrapped each snowglobe and packed it away, I couldn’t help but feel that I was packing away a part of my daughter’s childhood. With each wrap of the cloth, I remembered the excitement in her big brown eyes every time she would get a new one, and I realized anew that my little girl is growing up.

She will be 13 in two short months and is becoming a wonderful young lady. She is smart, creative, Charismatic, loving, and empathetic. I love seeing her grow, but as she does, she becomes more and more independent.  She may be the most independent of all the kids. Which I know is a good thing-the goal actually-to raise independent kids who can stand up for themselves and their beliefs, and make their own way in society and God’s Kingdom.

My brain tells me that, but my heart cracks just a little as I see her natural progression into womanhood and out of my home and protection.  I know as time goes on and my children grow ever closer to leaving my home and making their own, I will be very thankful for God’s Grace.


My Two Different Fathers

I had two different fathers. The first was loving, kind, intelligent and witty.  He told me how much he loved me, how proud he was of me, and how beautiful I was. He would follow this up with a phrase I heard often through the years: “You look just like your daddy. Aren’t you lucky?”  He was fiercely loyal and protective.  He taught me respect that has been beneficial in every aspect of my life.  Everyone-whether a boss, coworker, friend, cashier at the store, complete stranger-appreciates respect.

He took us camping and played softball and kickball with us.  He loved canoeing.

He attended college for sociology but due to a variety of factors wasn’t able to finish. He loved to read and write. Perhaps I get that from him. Yes, I’m sure I do, along with the sarcasm and family loyalty.

He would call me just to see how I was doing and we would have long conversations. He would ask me if I needed money (though I knew he didn’t have much himself).  He would invite me over for dinner.

He loved to garden.  I specifically remember one year that he planted a bunch of hot peppers. I remember because he told me to make sure not to touch my face after I picked some. I forgot and while I was driving home I rubbed my eye. I had to pull over and wait for the searing pain to subside.

This was the dad I wanted my kids to know.  He would have been a wonderful Grandpa. However, due to my other father, I kept them at a distance.

My other father could be very mean. He had vulgar language and made me cry with his words on more than one occasion. He got in fights. He demanded respect, but not in a loving way.  I never really knew what he might say and do.  I was afraid of him.  So were other people. This dad was selfish and had a hard time seeing outside of his own world to consider other people’s feelings.  This was the dad who drank.

It was a roller-coaster ride throughout his life- brief times of sobriety followed by longer periods of bondage to alcohol. Each time he was sober, we hoped this time it would be for good, but in our hearts we doubted it.  He attended AA meetings at one point, he even helped run the meetings for a time. Then he believed he had learned all he needed to and could do it on his own. He was wrong.

Finally, because of the condition of his liver, amongst other things, his doctor told him he was going to die if he didn’t quit drinking.  He was 58. He said he wanted to be around for his family (even this father had a deep love for his children). He quit-at home, alone, cold-turkey.  He went from drinking around 2 fifths of whiskey a day to nothing. He called me disoriented, unsure of where he was or even what time period it was.  I hurried over and called an ambulance.

His body was in shock and he was having hallucinations and violent episodes. They finally sedated him and put him on a thiamine treatment. This worked but he was suffering from alcohol induced dementia and the doctor wouldn’t release him without a guardian. So, I became my father’s guardian for the last year of his life.

The dementia mostly cleared within a few months, but the damage to his body had been done. He needed someone to dispense his medications and care for him, so the only choice was an adult foster care home. We all had families and children, and it just wasn’t possible to care for him and our own families.

Despite the fact that this terribly independent and prideful man wasn’t pleased with the way it all turned out, it ended up being a blessing in a lot of ways. It forced him to remain sober. In the last year of his life, his grandkids finally got a chance to get to know him. They have funny memories of things he said and did when we visited. He also repaired two relationships that his sheltered world of drinking allowed him to ignore and pretend didn’t matter. One was with his sister, and one with his father. It brought my grandpa and my dad peace to repair this relationship.

He was also able to attend church with us on a fairly regular basis. I actually heard my dad pray aloud, and he told me he was making things right with God.  When I wish things could have been different at the end of his life, I remind myself of these blessings.  God made some beautiful things out of the ugly.

It is coming up on three years since my dad passed. I had to stop and make sure. It seems unreal that it could be that long.  I still think about how different things could have been if I had been able to have the first dad I wrote about all the time. What kind of relationship would he have had with his grandkids?

I have debated with myself whether it was better or worse to see the glimpses of how great my dad could have been had alcohol never gotten a hold of him.  Would I be as sad? Would it have been better to never know and just rest in the fact that I was better off not having him around?  I don’t think so. I think it’s good to know that some of the qualities I see as assets in myself and consequently my children, actually come from him. I have good stories to tell my kids. Alcoholism isn’t my dad’s only legacy.

I imagine him free now. Free from chronic pain. Free from bondage, and enjoying peace.  Someday, I’ll get to see that dad again, and it won’t be fleeting.

Despite the personal pain, I like to tell this story.  I hope that it will help someone in some way. Whether it’s a child of an alcoholic who can see that other people know where they are coming from and can understand what they have felt, or whether it’s a parent who may be able to see the pain they are causing their children and can stop it before it’s too late.

For help:





Christian and Voting for Trump?

As is typical in an election year, a lot of people are sharing their opinions on the candidates.  I tend to shy away from this except with those closest to me-those who really know my heart. Because the one thing I find that frustrates me, is that there seems to be a lot of judgement placed on people based on who they support. An opinion is formed about your intelligence, your morals and convictions, and your devotion or support of a variety of things.  One thing I am especially seeing this time around is the question of a person’s devotion to Christ if they support Trump. People are in so many words saying, “How can you call yourself a devout Christian and vote for someone like that?”

People are saying they simply cannot put their support behind someone who says and does the things he has in his personal life and even on the public stage.  I understand. I imagine the heart in which that decision comes from. I’ll even buy that argument from someone if they also don’t participate in or show their support (either actively or passively) of anything that glorifies those same behaviors and language that causes them to refuse to vote for a man like Trump.  That includes private conversations, movies, and television shows. Because, if I may be so bold, that is why we have Trump as a nominee. That is why he triumphed over more conservative people.

When we watch shows and movies that conflict with our beliefs, we are sending the message that we like it and we support it, and more will be made and aired.  When we support a business that blatantly and openly rejects our beliefs, it sends a message to society that we are okay with it. We may cause others who respect us to respond in kind because it must not be that bad if we support it. I’m guilty of all of this as well-I have said and done many things in my life that are not becoming of a Christian.  My point is not to judge anyone, just to point out that Trump is not the problem. We can say he is the problem. We can believe that not voting him into office makes us holier, or more devoted to Christ.  We may believe that it would be a dishonor to ourselves, to God, and to His plan if we “compromised our beliefs” to vote for a man like Trump. And if someone believes that, I will not judge them or believe they are wrong for what they believe God is directing them to do.

I just don’t feel that way. I feel there could be worse in the White House than Trump. One major difference between him and other candidates is that they are more polished speakers. They have had time and practice in knowing how, what and when to say things. I don’t believe Trump is the worst candidate we have ever had, and possibly not even the worst I have voted for. I don’t know. The media has just made sure that we know about all of Trump indiscretions.

There is another aspect for me. I have prayed a lot over the last few years for God to help me see people through His eyes, and there is something redeemable I see in Trump. God is not only concerned with humanity, but with the individual. He loves Donald Trump as much as He loves anyone.  We don’t know God’s plan unless He has revealed it to us, and He has not revealed His plan for this election to me.  Perhaps though, He has brought Trump to this place to expose his sins so that he would be embarrassed and it would lead to repentance. From what I have read, Trump has been receiving spiritual counsel and is opening up more and more to the things of Christ. Perhaps it took this. Perhaps I am way off base. I just know that I want to be open to whatever God’s plan might be.  God has used some pretty interesting characters to further His Kingdom and unfold His plan. Are we saying he can’t use Trump? What a story of redemption that would be. I may even buy the memoir.




It Didn’t Matter Anymore, Grandpa

I don’t feel like the issue was fully resolved. I don’t feel that you completely understood where I was coming from or just how much you hurt me in those years of disconnect.  I don’t think you fully took responsibility for your part in it, though you apologized in your own way-not really ever using the words “I’m sorry.”

But it got to a point that I didn’t care. I hated not having you in my life and not really knowing my kids. I hated them not knowing you-the man who had had an immeasurable impact on who and what I had become.  The hole didn’t go unnoticed. I spoke of you often and then, like today, I felt you in many of my words and actions. There were many, many days in which I wanted to let it all go, and I would call you and see that you were still bitter. I don’t blame you entirely, perhaps I could have put in more effort.

I know that in that time (the few years in which we only spoke a couple of times a year), all the comments you made about being disappointed in me, or about my “head not being in this world” came from a place of hurt.  I know from experience, that pain often manifests itself as anger and bitterness. I know it was hard for you when I “stopped needing you” as much, as my own family was forming. What you didn’t understand was that I still needed you, just in different ways.

So, perhaps the God-ordained timing was just right, perhaps we were both at a place in which it didn’t matter anymore, but that one summer visit changed it all.  I am thankful that I had an “excuse” to come over to see my Aunt, (I’m not sure I would have come otherwise,) so I could see that the bitterness was gone. I felt we were finally both in a place to let it all go and just be Grandpa and Cyndy again. I told you I was sorry I had stayed away so long, and you told me I had misunderstood the things you had said to me about not finishing college to stay home with my son, and the comments you made about me homeschooling the kids as they got older, and that you didn’t mean it the way I took it. In my mind I disagreed, I still thought you had meant them exactly as I took them, but at that point it didn’t matter anymore. You told me you were never truly disappointed in me, and I took that. It was enough. You were 87, I believe, and I knew we were limited on time.

We found out a year later that cancer was widespread and aggressive. My emotions were so mixed as I was thankful that we had reconnected, and deeply saddened that we didn’t have more time. My older kids would remember you, but my little guy definitely wouldn’t.  I was thankful that you got to see me in my girls and it brought you back to when I was that age. And I will forever be thankful for that visit, right after I found out about the cancer, when it was just you and I, and I was your little girl again. It could have been 25 years prior and it was just us.  We reminisced about the past and you retold your favorite stories about us, and we laughed, and I cried. I told you that I wished we had more time. You said, “I guess our time was always limited, we just didn’t know how limited.” More words of wisdom, Grandpa-good for everyone to remember.